Okay, so, second post. Hammerfight. Oh Lord, this game.. I tried the demo, and how many injustices has it inflicted upon me, an hour after playing it, I will never know. Anyway, so it starts you off by presenting a slick as hell main menu. It’s beautiful as fuck, seriously, and the way you start picking shit is by scrolling your mouse to the edge of the game window, and you’ll see like slots for savegames and options, all the while, this beautiful design is sucking you in. Oh, by the way, you only use the mouse ever in this, besides Alt and Spacebar, and you’ll see why very soon.

Slick, but dark (because I pressed Alt for the instructions)

Now we get to the interesting part.


Basically what’s going on here is that you’re supposed to use the mouse to swing your little shitty helicopter dude around, and he’s got this big friggin’ mace or hammer or sword-on-an-axis that you use to kill other helicopter things, or in some cases, little RC toys with saw blades attached to them.  Anyway right now you can see the artistic merit of the game. It’s half pixels, half-whatever, and it all comes together in this kind of steam-punkish, tribal atmosphere, with its own little canon to boot. But oh God, you should have seen the ass-whooping I got at the hands of the second part of the tutorial where you simply have to beat the crap out of this elder’s son for your training.

You dayum right, "your head"... wait.

You’ll quickly notice how absolutely horrid it is the control this helicopter. I suppose you could applaud the developers for how realistically they portrayed a tiny steam-punk engine dragging along a giant rock on a chain, using it to bash the skulls of other little helicopter guys, but fuck, come on, it’s so realistic it’s near impossible to get the damn thing swinging in any way you want to. Honestly, the first time I played it, I got my ass fucking handed to me sixteen goddamn times because of how sluggish the controls are when you actually get to it. On the first fucking tutorial. This must mean I suck, right? You try it. Anyway, the demo does encompass more than just the tutorial, thank god, but the difficulty ramps up right after the first level. I am serious.

Rockets and RC saw blades.. See?!

Right after that business you’re forced to fight these chumps that throw these jars full of corrosive acid at you, or arrows, or something, for your right to partake in a “hunt” of some sort. After that, you get swarmed by RC saw blade guys, and after THAT, the level I totally got stumped on, you’re fighting floating worm dirigibles armed with goddamn ROCKET LAUNCHERS, AND the RC saw blades, while you’re still lugging along that shitty rock while you’re STILL trying to get accustomed to the controls. Seriously, come on.. It’s just about as frustrating as any game could possibly be, and all the while, you have to realize that they’re trying to sell you this fucking game with the demo. And that’s not to say I don’t appreciate how nice the game looks and how it should be played, but the learning curve for getting used to the swinging the weapons is so steep that I definitely don’t want to spend a buck on it just to get my ass kicked for ten more levels. Well, there you have it.


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November 2009
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